Essay by The Little Prince

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The following is a personal essay by the German incel person named, "The Little Prince".

I was born in 1973 and have always been very successful both at school and professionally. I am materially very well, unfortunately not emotionally. At 1.70 m, I am perhaps a bit small for most women (unfortunately, size also matters). I'm not a sportsman, I don't have a well-toned body, but at 68 kg I am not overweight either, I think, even if I would like a few pounds less. I don't look bad either - of course you are never satisfied with yourself and the inferiority complexes are not exactly reduced by the lack of success with the opposite sex. In fact, lately I've been getting compliments about my eyes from women more and more, but they're obviously not interested in the rest (or I didn't notice, I'm just too honest and too naive to perceive flirtation signals). I've never had a relationship, nor more intimate contact, no caresses, no kiss, let alone sexual contact (which I personally don't miss too much). When a pretty hairdresser cuts my hair, the gentle touch of the scalp is already a feeling of tenderness for me. Sad. But how did it come to this?

PARENT HOUSE AND SCHOOL

Actually, I grew up sheltered in a middle-class family. I didn't go to kindergarten; my father was in the field, but had his office at home and a maid took care of me in the mornings. I had little contact with my peers. I was quite out of touch and a rather serious, thoughtful child. My peers were mostly too "childish" for me. As a result, important socialization mechanisms were naturally lacking even in early childhood. But my parents were open-minded and permissive, and I never experienced coercion or restrictions from that side. It wasn't necessary either, my hermit status came from myself ... But as a child I suffered a lot from my parents' latently broken marriage. There were seldom caresses between my parents, if so, then probably only under the influence of alcohol, and that struck me as unnatural and disgusting as a child. I believe that my parents both loved me very much, but somehow I didn't want their love. I have a younger sister who suffered a lot from the domestic situation, but still had her sexual experiences very early ("normal"). In contrast to her, I concentrated on school and worked an incredible amount. The recognition of classmates and teachers became my love substitute. This is also the key to my complexes: What my environment thinks of me is very important to me; I always want to please everyone; without performance and the recognition for it I feel worthless. But how did my split relationship with women come about? that my parents both loved me very much, but somehow I didn't want their love. I have a younger sister who has suffered a lot from the domestic situation, but still had her sexual experiences very early ("normal"). In contrast to her, I concentrated on school and worked an incredible amount. The recognition of classmates and teachers became my love substitute. This is also the key to my complexes: What my environment thinks of me is very important to me; I always want to please everyone; without performance and the recognition for it I feel worthless. But how did my split relationship with women come about? that my parents both loved me very much, but somehow I didn't want their love. I have a younger sister who has suffered a lot from the domestic situation, but still had her sexual experiences very early ("normal"). In contrast to her, I concentrated on school and worked an incredible amount. The recognition of classmates and teachers became my love substitute. This is also the key to my complexes: What my environment thinks of me is very important to me; I always want to please everyone; without performance and the recognition for it I feel worthless. But how did my split relationship with women come about? who also suffered a lot from the domestic situation, but still had her sexual experiences very early ("normal"). In contrast to her, I concentrated on school and worked an incredible amount. The recognition of classmates and teachers became my love substitute. This is also the key to my complexes: What my environment thinks of me is very important to me; I always want to please everyone; without performance and the recognition for it I feel worthless. But how did my split relationship with women come about? who also suffered a lot from the domestic situation, but still had her sexual experiences very early ("normal"). In contrast to her, I concentrated on school and worked an incredible amount. The recognition of classmates and teachers became my love substitute. This is also the key to my complexes: What my environment thinks of me is very important to me; I always want to please everyone; without performance and the recognition for it I feel worthless. But how did my split relationship with women come about? This is also the key to my complexes: What my environment thinks of me is very important to me; I always want to please everyone; without performance and the recognition for it I feel worthless. But how did my split relationship with women come about? This is also the key to my complexes: What my environment thinks of me is very important to me; I always want to please everyone; without performance and the recognition for it I feel worthless. But how did my split relationship with women come about?

FIRST TRAUMA

I remember various events: When I was about 4 years old, our maid brought her granddaughter with her in the mornings, who was about my age. I should play with her. Did I really have to share my Lego things with her? It breaks everything! She also smelled funny. It got stuck in my child's head: Girls stink! Yuck ... When I was in elementary school I was picked up by relatives at family celebrations: "Well, do you already have a girlfriend?" I didn't know much about husband and wife, but I knew that there must be something indecent about it as mischievously as the adults smiled. "Well, that'll come ..." - "Never!" I defiantly asserted, and I obviously persevered ... Whenever there were scenes on television, I was so embarrassed that I looked away or even had to leave the room in which men and women "turtled around" emphasizing feminine charms or containing any erotic or sexual implications. In grammar school I was embarrassed and uncomfortable when classmates wanted something from me or when they suddenly stood on the doorstep to do homework with me. I would have liked to help with homework because I'm a nice guy, but with girls ...? How does that look like ...? Afterwards they say I have something with A or B ... I was just decent and I didn't want any rumors about myself. I did not consciously experience puberty. I preferred to work a lot for the school and was otherwise very at home. Disco visits or parties were a horror to me, my mother would surely have liked to have me out of the house ... and my father was afraid I wasn't a “real man”. My parents were so concerned that something might be wrong with me that they had a long conversation with my German teacher. But this allayed my parents' fears. I am very sensitive and intelligent, you should give me some time, I would assert myself and go my way. I was never really interested in girls, they were just scary to me. Or: I thought they were better people back then. For some reason that is not in my upbringing, it has stuck in my head that sexuality is a bad thing that only comes from men. So I got all sexual thoughts out of my head. I wanted to be a "good" person. I just wanted to be loved a little. Once I fell in love a little. In the sixth or seventh grade, a girl entered the class. Small, skinny, shy, with a thin but sweet voice. Were protective instincts aroused? Wouldn't have been necessary ... She was a judoka and always took first or second place in competitions. You would never have believed her to do that ... I followed the newspaper reports about her with admiration. I would have liked to have let her "lay me on the mat" in a playful way, of course ... I went to the school choir because of her, so I could be around her for an hour longer and enjoy the palpitation. But my infatuation remained my secret, chaste dreaming. When it started around 8th grade that the first boys "walked" with girls and held hands, I found it just ridiculous. I didn't want to know what else they might be doing together ... I vowed to myself to wait for true love. In this respect, I simply missed the playful interaction with the opposite sex ... I still don't know what my classmates thought of me back then, but I simply had their respect through my achievements and was therefore “inviolable”. In 11th grade a classmate wanted to test me out. She had made a bet in her clique whether I would let her kiss me. When she approached me in the absence of Teacher, I panicked and "fled," much to the amusement of the class. I actually found the girl very cute, cheeky, chunky and also pretty,

THE FIRST LOVE

I fell in love for the first time when I was 21. That made it all the harder. Since I had no idea about love, it took 3 months to realize why I always got weak knees in the presence of this great woman and suddenly a joy of life flowed through me that I had not known before. She was as kind, shy and reserved as I am. I knew from her best friend that she had always come across the wrong men and let herself be exploited. Once again the protective instinct was awakened in me. So she became a projection surface for all my longings, but the crash into the abyss was all the worse for me when she broke off all contact with me after my confession of love. Why was she so hard on me of all people? Was i really that bad? I would have gone through fire for her ... It had cost me a lot of effort to approach her and reveal my inner being. And I could only do it because I had the impression that love also emanated from her. This first experience of rejection at such a “old” age is of course a much worse catastrophe for self-confidence than in adolescence, where heartache heals faster. Suddenly my whole life was in question. The pain I went through also made me realize what I had missed in life so far. How can I go on without her? I was in a deep crisis like young Werther. In addition there was the complete cutting of the cord from the parental home, the realization that I no longer had an emotional relationship with my parents. My mother making fun of my lovesickness. And nobody else seemed to understand me either. As I knew it from my childhood, the only thing that worked was repression by burying myself with work. But I suffered. For years. And I didn't want to numb myself with work anymore. I wanted more from life. When my father suddenly died while I was stressed out on exams, I had to numb me with work again. Otherwise I couldn't have endured the pain. I didn't want to fall in love any longer anytime soon. When I met a young woman during my apprenticeship, with whom I wanted to fall in love, I proceeded so carefully and slowly that a good friend of mine “snatched” her from under my nose. From someone you love To be rejected is one thing. But then to be demonstrated every day how someone else becomes happy borders on inhuman torture. Many a crying night I asked God and my late father why I had to go through this martyrdom. After that, I only fell in love one more time, but that was only one-sided. She was pretty, she was intelligent, she was witty, we got along well. She was lovesick with her ex and I was there. Wanted to be there for her. I gave her my hand. She stopped me and made me wriggle. Maybe as a consolation in case she doesn't find a better one. And there, too, fate tormented me, months later by chance to see how this dear girl lay in the arms of someone else;

CONSOLE VERSUS THE PANIC OF THE GATE

For a long time I consoled myself with the fact that I am still young and that I still have time (I still feel like in my early twenties, emotionally maybe even prepubescent ...). But you don't get any younger, and men also have a biological clock. I am longing for my own family, but if you would like to enjoy the togetherness beforehand. And I also see love and partnership as a kind of savings plan: you have to start as early as possible and invest regularly so that you can still benefit from it in old age. And love also lives from a shared past. The older you get before you find each other, the less common things bind you to each other. So the fear sits on your neck that you will lose valuable time. Apart from that, the biological clock is ticking louder for potential partners than for me. A woman my age who has had several relationships knows what she wants. But I don't because of a lack of experience. I stand there like a teenager who would first have to try out a relationship in order to find myself. I fully understand that a potential partner in my age group has no more time or inclination to do this. It is all the more difficult for me to get involved in a relationship if I am not one hundred percent convinced. I am not only afraid of being abandoned, but also of having to disappoint the other person. I stand there like a teenager who would first have to try out a relationship in order to find myself. I fully understand that a potential partner in my age group has no more time or inclination to do this. It is all the more difficult for me to get involved in a relationship if I am not one hundred percent convinced. I am not only afraid of being abandoned, but also of having to disappoint the other person. I stand there like a teenager who would first have to try out a relationship in order to find myself. I fully understand that a potential partner in my age group has no more time or inclination to do this. It is all the more difficult for me to get involved in a relationship if I am not one hundred percent convinced. I am not only afraid of being abandoned, but also of having to disappoint the other person.

TYPICAL AB PROBLEMS

I'm an introverted, reserved guy and my lifestyle is not exactly suited to getting to know many women. And I have the typical AB problem: the women I get to know and who also find me likeable only see me as the buddy type. And sometimes the emotional garbage can, which I also like to play because I'd rather have a platonic friendship and enjoy their company than none at all. The second AB problem: Because of my inner despair, I am sure that I unconsciously send negative signals to my environment that make women shrink from me. That goes for normal people too. My best friend had a bad period after a breakup when he just didn't have a chance with women. Only when he was happily in love again after a long time did he receive advances from other women. The happiness he radiated just made him attractive in the eyes of the other women. The lack of self-confidence in my private life leads to sociophobia and “procrastination”. How often have I made up my mind to go out alone in the evening? And shortly before the entrance I lost my courage, I always found an excuse why today was a bad day, apart from that I wouldn't feel like it anyway and I wouldn't be in the mood at all. In professional life I have my self-confidence through professional competence and positive feedback, but in private and social areas I feel incompetent and weak. How often have I made up my mind to go out alone in the evening? And shortly before the entrance I lost my courage, I always found an excuse why today was a bad day, apart from that I wouldn't feel like it anyway and I wouldn't be in the mood at all. In professional life I have my self-confidence through professional competence and positive feedback, but in private and social areas I feel incompetent and weak. How often have I made up my mind to go out alone in the evening? And shortly before the entrance I lost my courage, I always found an excuse why today was a bad day, apart from that I wouldn't feel like it anyway and I wouldn't be in the mood at all. In professional life I have my self-confidence through professional competence and positive feedback, but in private and social areas I feel incompetent and weak.

SEXUAL OFFERS VERSUS CULTIVATION OF THE AB STATUS

In my job I have to do with many women, but I have no interest in mixing work and private life and I keep my distance, especially since I am also afraid that these women might only find me attractive as a possible “provider” because of my professional position . And finally I am looking for someone for my heart and not just for bed ... I found out afterwards from two women that they tried to "get me to bed", which I did not notice; that shocked me and disappointed me personally: But women sometimes just want sex ... I was too naive to notice that, but even if I had, I certainly wouldn't have done it. Because of my abilities I would need a lot of time, a lot of trust and a lot of love to get involved in something sexual. In addition, the "sex" with me would probably have been a disappointment for the women and I would have become a mockery in my work environment. And my inferiority complexes towards women are already so deep that my first thought was: 'Must they have been desperate that they would even have gone to bed with me ...' But I am gaining more and more self-confidence and have less and less inhibitions about my abilities to stand. On the contrary: I seem to develop a tendency to self-portrayal against my shyness (see this biography). Instead of being ashamed and withdrawing in self-pity, I like to flirt with my virginity and I enjoy the reactions, the incredulous amazement and the interest. You could call it "Cultivating AB Status". I've talked about it with women I trusted. At the beginning you get disbelief, of course, but then you get understanding and interest. One even offered to deflower myself (very unselfishly ...); even if I resisted, she would somehow manage to make me mindless. I thought that was nice, but I couldn't accept it. I'm not interested in sex alone. I still have trouble talking about it with men. Under certain circumstances you could no longer take you fully and doubt my psychological suitability and stability. And then there is always the embarrassing fiddling around with the question of wife and children. When I once again answered no to the question about children, a supervisor replied that he is more used to the answer "I don't know." 'I know for sure,' I thought to myself, but I would never have dared to say it. So I would have been embarrassed to have to admit that I haven't had any sexual experiences yet.

PROFESSIONAL AND MENTAL DISABILITIES

Professionally I am very busy and often on the go, sometimes for days and only in hotels, very irregularly, even over weekends and holidays. That is why regular activities such as sports clubs or VHS courses are unfortunately ruled out as opportunities for social life. Most of my friends are now married, some have already had their third child (like anti-social * wink *) and understandably not that much time for me either. Although I don't think much of it, I've also tried two Internet contact exchanges, so far without success. I also don't believe in the great love from the Internet, but I think it is at least a legitimate approach to get to know women and to break down basic inhibitions and learn to flirt. Unfortunately, I'm far too romantic (dream of the angel who accidentally falls at my feet ...

UNDERSTANDING AND ACCEPTING YOUR OWN SEXUALITY: OFF AND FETISH, IS IT POSSIBLE?

But I have no idea of ​​sexuality. I definitely find women very erotic and attractive and I am clearly not into men (I would have enough offers ...). I find erotic photography quite stimulating, but I find pure pornography, especially copulation scenes, repulsive. When I masturbate, I only think of women, not intercourse. It's more the idea of ​​being playfully overwhelmed by a taller woman, feeling her body and her weight on my body. My penis is not an erogenous zone, but pressure on my lower abdomen gives me sexual arousal. I mean, this is the result of another trauma from my childhood. When I was 5 years old I was "attacked" by a 14 year old girl from the neighborhood, That pushed me into the sandpit and sat on me. Compared to me she was of course huge and I was terrified of this obviously "crazy" girl. I suspect that arousal from fear and sexual arousal are closely related and since this "programming error" I have been sexually aroused by the idea of ​​being 'crushed' under the weight of a (giant) woman (or several). This fantasy, bordering on a fetish, together with my AB existence and deep longing for tender and romantic love understandably leads to quite a torment of the soul. But being committed to it is the first step in coming to terms with it. And I've gained self-confidence by using this fantasy in sessions for the past two years, who went in the direction of erotic wrestling. But it was always just for fun and had no sexual implications. Even if the fantasy clearly comes from the sex drive, living it out did not give me any sexual feelings. Because that has nothing to do with love and I didn't have a deeper emotional bond with the women, I was mentally blocked in the moments. Thank God. If that had aroused me sexually, I would have been very embarrassed. That's why I can still safely call myself HC-AB. Because that has nothing to do with love and I didn't have a deeper emotional bond with the women, I was mentally blocked in the moments. Thank God. If that had aroused me sexually, I would have been very embarrassed. That's why I can still safely call myself HC-AB. Because that has nothing to do with love and I didn't have a deeper emotional bond with the women, I was mentally blocked in the moments. Thank God. If that had aroused me sexually, I would have been very embarrassed. That's why I can still safely call myself HC-AB.

AB OR ASEXUAL? DOES THERAPY HELP?

But the only thing missing in the first place is the emotional partnership, security and tenderness. The idea of ​​more intimate intercourse than cuddling and kissing makes me feel disgusted and uncomfortable, although I imagine that it comes by itself if you love your partner strongly enough. And get the feeling of being loved. Because fear of intimacy also results from not admitting sexuality to oneself and not accepting one's own sexuality. I may just need a little more time. And I feel that the inhibitions towards physical sexuality are slowly decreasing because the longing for emotional security is getting stronger. I know very well that there is also asexuality. I also looked around in the forum for a long time. Perhaps one or the other thinks, after reading my performance, that I am more asexual - may be. But the asexuals are too “militant” for me and I don't want to exclude something from my life from the start that I can't judge due to lack of experience. Due to my problems, I already suffer from depressive moments, sometimes feel listless and overwhelmed in everyday life. Fear of failure plagues me with regard to my job that at some point I will no longer feel up to the increased responsibility. And then the thought keeps coming up as to whether one should seek professional help. But without wanting to appear arrogant: I am a head person and reflect enough. Like most ABs, I know the causes of my problems myself and I don't know

LAST STAND

I still don't have a relationship. I have an acquaintance from the Internet contact exchange, but for whom I no longer see a platonic friendship. I am a bit “crazy” about a young woman who I met briefly (superficially) on vacation and who emailed me two months later that I would not get out of her head because my eyes had emitted so much kindness and warmth. Since then we have had very close e-mail contact with a certain flirtation character that is very nice and good for me. She knows about my abilities and my fetish and still wants to see me again, and I already feel butterflies in my stomach when I think of her. And I feel a willingness to grow in me to break new sexual territory out of love for her. Still I see the danger Getting lost again and getting too fixated on that person. She lives further away in other European countries, that's why we can't just meet, besides, she is only in her early 20s and has only had a relationship. She is at the beginning of her development (even if she already looks very mature), is young and pretty, should have enough opportunities with men of her age and above all those around her, so that I fear that it will be an episode in her life at the very most . And I do not want that. We are now planning a short weekend trip together, but your emails are getting shorter and shorter and less emotional. So I don't have much hope in that. besides, she is only in her early twenties and has only just had a relationship. She is at the beginning of her development (even if she already looks very mature), is young and pretty, should have enough opportunities with men of her age and above all those around her, so that I fear that it will be an episode in her life at the very most . And I do not want that. We are now planning a short weekend trip together, but your emails are getting shorter and shorter and less emotional. So I don't have much hope in that. besides, she is only in her early twenties and has only had a relationship. She is at the beginning of her development (even if she already looks very mature), is young and pretty, should have enough opportunities with men of her age and above all those around her, so that I fear that it will be an episode in her life at the very most . And I do not want that. We are now planning a short weekend trip together, but your emails are getting shorter and shorter and less emotional. So I don't have much hope in that. to be an episode in her life at most. And I do not want that. We are now planning a short weekend trip together, but your emails are getting shorter and shorter and less emotional. So I don't have much hope in that. to be an episode in her life at most. And I do not want that. We are now planning a short weekend trip together, but your emails are getting shorter and shorter and less emotional. So I don't have much hope in that.

– The Little Prince

This page borrows from Abtreff.de Wiki. Borrowed material has been altered. Text is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International (CC BY-SA 4.0) Unchanged text is credited to the authors of the Abtreff.de Wiki page here.


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